It’s mainly about getting through the day.
I am not going to lie, it’s been excruciatingly hard. I still find myself crying everyday and telling Blakely how sorry I am, and that I didn’t know she was in danger. There are times that I feel like I have more of a handle on things. I call it “my rock” meaning, I have a good perspective and feel confident about the future. Than a grief wave hits and I get washed off my rock and it takes me a while to scrap myself off the ground and get back on.
We went to Mardi Gras with Kevin, Melora and Haven. It was fun but I don’t think I want to do it again. The last time we went was with Blakely and it didn’t seem worth it the second time around.
Ben lost his job a few months ago so life has been extra hard. He is a very smart and capable man so I have full confidence in him to provide for our family. We are also good savers so, that helps that we are not super stressed about money.
To make matters worse, on Bens birthday (coming back from the Temple) I got into a car accident. A guy turned left at a light in front of me and I didn’t have enough time to stop. I T-boned his car really hard, but the crazy thing is, he just drove away. I think he must have been under the influence because when I honked the horn he didn’t react. Bronson was in the back seat and I was really shaken up. I was hoping to have a silver lining and get the car totaled so we could buy a mini van but… the insurance didn’t total it.
We had some visitors in town for the Eclipse in April. It was really neat. We all went out to the Van Styns property and watched it. There were 4 other families and 12 missionaries. It was incredible sight. We had Joanna, Uncle Dale, and Aunt Sharon with us.
After the Eclipse, we all went down to San Antonio and did some touristy stuff. We took a boat ride on the river walk and I kept thinking how much Blakely would have loved doing something like that. I don’t think she had ever gotten on a boat. We went under a bridge that had pink lights and I could hear her say, “Look mom! it’s all pink!”
Since we had visitors, life has gone back to normal. Bronson is a fun little guy. Really smart and persistent. Boys are different. He likes to eat dirt. I don’t think Blakely ever put dirt in her mouth. He is also a big kid. It’s crazy to think he is 15 months now. He is saying a few words, loves to eat, and sleeps pretty well.
We are hoping to have another child, so I need to stop breast feeding. Bronson doesn’t love that idea so we are taking it slow. We are doing some sleep training (especially because all of our trips coming up this summer) so first the sleep training, than fully taking him off nursing.
We got a few letters from Blakely’s recipients. It’s all bitter sweet. Not sure what else I can say. It’s nice to hear from these people, but also a harsh reality check of what happened. I try not to get down on myself… I feel like I should have known or felt something. I keep telling myself it wasn’t a long time (10 minutes or so) and I had been by her side (literally) all day. I just have to remember that God is in charge and he knew that would happen even before she was born. There has to be a bigger plan in all this. At least that is what I feel when I am on my rock.
Something fun (Jen thought of it) we painted some rocks dedicated to Blakely and hid them at the zoo. So every time we go there, we look for the rocks and remember how much Blakely loved going to the zoo.
What ever you are doing right now Blakely, know that we miss you dearly. Mommies heart still really hurts. Know that we love you and that we will be together again someday. Hopefully soon.
Leave a Reply