Molly & Ben

It’s been a hard year without you little girl.

People have been asking what they can do for our family as Blakely’s 1st Angel Anniversary is approaching on November 21st.

There is a lot to say so I will say it in this blog post. 

Thank You For The Support

First of all, thank you for your prayers and support this last year!
They have been felt, and extremely helpful. Thank you for your texts, letters, calls, meals, or any effort extended to our family. I usually didn’t respond, but the gestures were always appreciated. 

I know I am not the only one to experience this type of grief, but it’s a monster. The pain of being separated from someone you love with your whole soul (and then some) can only be swallowed up in Christ. 

The Evolution of Grief

Blakely is special. Raising her for those 3.5 + years was blissful and we are lucky to be her parents. 

As the sting of death lessens with time, other regrets are exposed.

The experiences we are now having as a family without her, and wishing we could see Blakely and Bronson grow up as siblings have been difficult at times.

We trust all will be made right in time. 

How We Are Celebrating

We plan to have a quiet day on the 21st as a family re-reading letters, looking at photos/videos, and commemorating her life.

If you would like to send us a text with a picture you took of Blakely, a favorite memory, or something related that comes to your mind, we would love it. 

Beyond that, we would appreciate you talking about Blakely with your family to keep her memory alive. Death is a hard concept for kids, especially when it is one of their friends. 

Please pray for Blakely as we are sure she is busy working on the other side, and please pray for our family as we venture into the second year without her.

What We Are Looking Forward To

If you believe in a resurrection, please revisit the topic as a family. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we believe in Christ and believe we can live with our families forever.

We believe in the atonement and resurrection of Christ and through him all will be resurrected. In time, and with hope, we can all look forward to seeing Blakely “in a coming day.”

Til We Meet Again BRB

We chose to symbolize Blakely as a Yellow rose in our family pictures. Blakely’s favorite color was yellow, and Rose was her middle name. Till we meet again my little bug.

We love you Blakely forever and continue to be your biggest cheerleaders.

Turning 40 is a big milestone, and what better way to celebrate than with an unforgettable weekend adventure in Los Angeles? From hiking to the iconic Hollywood sign to exploring the magical world of the Magic Castle, we packed our days with fun, laughter, and a few unexpected twists. Here’s a rundown of my unforgettable birthday weekend with my siblings.

Thursday: Taco Bell and Games Galore

We kicked off my birthday celebration with a nostalgic trip to Taco Bell—because, honestly, who doesn’t love a little fast-food indulgence now and then? Fueled by tacos, we spent the evening playing games and laughing until our sides hurt. One of the highlights was playing the Mind Game, where we tried to silently count to 100 as a group. Spoiler alert: it was harder than it sounds, and we had a blast trying!

Friday: Exploring Griffith Park and a Hollywood Adventure

Our Friday began with a morning hike to the iconic Hollywood Sign at the Griffith Observatory. The hike offered stunning views of Los Angeles, and I soaked in the city’s beauty from above. After snapping plenty of photos, we explored the Griffith Observatory itself, where the panoramic views continued to amaze us.

Next, we headed to Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles for a delicious brunch that lived up to its legendary reputation. However, our plans took an unexpected turn when we discovered an exterminator at our Airbnb, which meant we had to improvise and figure something else out.

Not to worry, though, as we soon found ourselves wandering down Hollywood Boulevard. We visited the Walk of Fame and popped into the Hollywood stores before making our way to the Madame Tussauds Hollywood Wax Museum. It was a surreal experience, posing with wax figures of my favorite celebrities.

After a whirlwind day, we took some much-needed naps. Unfortunately, I wasn’t feeling my best. A headache and aspirin on an empty stomach left me feeling nauseous. But don’t worry; our adventure was far from over!

Friday Night: The Magic Castle Experience

The highlight of our trip was undoubtedly our visit to the Magic Castle. The evening began with the famous Invisible Piano Player, Irma, and her trusty feathered friend, Kate the bird. Still feeling a bit queasy, I tried to grab a burger, but my appetite wasn’t quite there yet.

Our magical journey continued with a mesmerizing performance by Anja Steyn from South Africa in the Parlour of Prestidigitation. Her act involved a clever rap with balls under cups and a Mario Brothers-themed Rubik’s Cube trick that left us all in awe.

In the Close-Up Gallery, we met Jacob Martinez, with a fellow magician named Kevin joining us in line. This was around when I started feeling better, which was perfect timing for the magic show.

Dinner at the Magic Castle was a treat, with a rich and funny server adding to the delightful atmosphere. The steaks were excellent, and we enjoyed every bite.

The night continued with a show at the Palace of Mystery, featuring the incredibly funny Joel Ward. His disappearing ring trick and confetti-filled antics had us in stitches. We also saw impressive performances by 14-year-old Hayate Ogawa from Japan and 18-year-old Leo Panetti from Italy.

Our final stop of the evening was back in the Parlour of Prestidigitation with Zac Swan. The audience participation was wild, with memorable moments from “Daddy” Alex, “Grand-Daddy,” and a rather enthusiastic drunk girl causing chaos against Nick and Caesar.

Saturday: Relaxation and More Adventures

After a magical Friday night, we took it easy on Saturday. Our first stop was In-N-Out Burger for a classic Californian treat, followed by a fun game of frisbee golf at Kenneth Hahn Park. The sun was shining, and the park provided a perfect backdrop for some friendly competition.

In the afternoon, we explored The Grove and the Farmers Market, where we sampled hot sauces and indulged in refreshing Italian ice. Our culinary adventures continued with a visit to Panda Express, because sometimes you just crave those famous orange chicken and chow mein flavors.

The day ended with another round of games back at our place. We played The Crew, The Mind, and Five Crowns, laughing and strategizing late into the night.

Our family vacation to Kauai, Hawaii, was nothing short of magical. We explored the island’s beautiful beaches, indulged in local culture, and created unforgettable memories with family and friends. Here’s a recap of our amazing trip!

Travel Day: Austin to Kauai

Our adventure began with a journey to Austin, where we stayed at Jen Davis’s house. It was a cozy start to our trip, and we felt well-prepared for the long flight ahead.

I was initially nervous about how Bronson would handle the long plane ride, especially without screens. However, he did fantastic! A little painter’s tape worked wonders. We used it to tape paper up for Bronson to interact with and tape cups together to make a fun rattle. It was a lifesaver and kept him entertained for hours.

Week 1: The Carlston Family Adventure

Our first week in Kauai was spent with the Carlston family, who ensured we experienced the island in all its glory. We visited a yurt and spent time on the beach, where we tried body surfing. What an incredible way to immerse ourselves in the island’s beauty!

One of the highlights was a trip to a place where everyone enjoyed doing backflips off a rope swing. I wish I could remember the name of the place! The sunset there was breathtaking.

We also went kayaking to the falls, which was a bit touristy but still fun. The paddle back was quite the workout, though! We made a short detour to see the fern grotto, and it was absolutely worth the extra paddle.

The Carlstons are an energetic bunch, always on the go from 8 am to 10 pm. Their enthusiasm was infectious, and it kept us on our toes!

One day, we took a scenic walk through a beautiful plant tunnel to reach Donkey Beach. It was a bit of a challenge to get there, and the weather was a tad rainy, but the natural beauty made it all worthwhile.

Bronson had a blast with all the Carlston cousins, especially Briar. It was heartwarming to see them bond and play together.

Week 2: Time with Jason, Jenni, and Rulon

Our second week was spent with Jason, Jenni, and Rulon. We started by visiting a local farmers market, where we indulged in a variety of tropical island foods. The flavors were fresh and vibrant, and we couldn’t get enough!

We had a little mishap when Bronson’s diaper was on inside out, resulting in a bit of an accident. But, hey, those things happen!

We returned to the rope swing, but it was too cold for Jason, so we’ll have to go back again. Instead, we cozied up and watched a documentary on the Suez Canal.

Bronson developed a new favorite pastime: playing with remotes and pushing buttons. Uncle Jason’s belly button became a favorite “button,” especially since it made a funny sound when pressed. It was a hilarious sight!

We took a scenic drive to Hawaii’s Grand Canyon, which offered breathtaking views. Ben and Jason also had an exciting spear fishing adventure, diving into the crystal-clear waters.

One of the highlights was the helicopter tour I took with Jason and Jenni. Seeing Kauai from above was absolutely mesmerizing. Ben and I also went on a Napali Coast boat tour, where we visited a stunning helicopter hole and enjoyed snorkeling and practicing spear fishing again.

We spent our evenings playing games like Kings in the Corner and watching childhood videos and photos, sharing laughs and nostalgic moments.

Week 3: Adventures with Walker & Nana J

Our final week was spent with Walker and Nana J. We stayed up late waiting for them to arrive, playing games until 11:30 PM. It was a late night, but the excitement of their arrival kept us going!

We revisited the rope swing beach, and it was just as fun the second time around. We also explored Turtle Beach, where we encountered some of the island’s adorable sea creatures.

The Walkers couldn’t get enough of the island’s famous shaved ice, indulging twice a day! It was a sweet treat that added to the tropical vibe.

We attended a Hawaiian luau and fire show, where we experienced the rich cultural traditions of Hawaii. The performances were captivating and a highlight of our trip.

One day, we took a scenic train ride at Kilohana Plantation, where we fed pigs and cows. Bronson was fascinated by the animals and had a great time.

Our hike to Makawehi Cliffs led us to a hidden cave, a hidden gem of the island. The adventure continued as we spent a day at the beach, where Bronson couldn’t stop laughing at Remi acting like a frog. His infectious laughter was the perfect soundtrack to a perfect day.

We ended our trip with a breathtaking sunset at Hanalei Bay, a fitting close to an unforgettable family vacation.

San Diego and Peoria

This month (and a bit of April) we spent some time in San Diego with David, Cristyann and their kids. It was a really nice trip.

Traveling with kids is much different than our single/newly wed years. Kids need constancy and not to be over stimulated. David got a 6 month contract in San Diego (they usually live in Seattle) and her sisters family, the Brants, also go the same contract. They found a duplex right on Mission beach in between the beach and the Bay. It was within walking distance of both. It was really nice to do so much outdoors.

The flight over wasn’t’ too bad. Bronson did have a good nap on the plane. We parked in Dallas, and as we were waiting for the bus, there was a man who had a flight within an hour and needed to park somewhere. The bus driver told him he could park and then pay when he left and that if he hurried he would wait for him. There was a couple on the bus that started to complain they were going to be late for their flight and even started swearing at him. The driver said they could get off and take an uber and that he could kick them off if they swore at him. The woman threatened to write him a bad review. The driver was just trying to help!

We got off the bus and the complaining couple got in the TSA line (that basically fast track for the airplane) THEN we saw them get in line for Panda Express. I guess they were not that worried about missing their flight. Anyway!

Bronson liked walking around at the airport, and we were trying to wear him out. He was admit about holding the water cup with a straw. We were both trying to walk on both sides of him incase he dropped it. I jokingly said “he is going to trip and squish the water cup underneath him then just lay there. And… that is exactly what happened. It was funny, and… we made a mess at the airport at the same time.

San Diego has amazing weather! It’s sunny, but still cool and breezy. The is how most of our days went. Our family woke up around 6am (because we are on Texas time) and went to the beach. Bronson loved the airplanes flying overhead, the dogs, and the birds over the water. We came back to the house and ate breakfast with everyone than Ben got to work looking for a job. Cristyann would take her kids to the gym, than come home and do homeschool than lunch. While she was at the gym, I took Bronson on a bike ride. They had a bike with a bucket seat up front. He loved it! He would wave to people and point at the dogs.

There were plenty of playgrounds around so we would hit one of those up before heading back home for a quick snack. Then we would take a luxury nap for about 2 hours. When Bronson naps at home, I get stuff done! But I didn’t even bring my computer to SD so… I just slept beside him in the bed. He is a good snuggle buddy. Oh, we love him so much.

After the nap we would eat lunch and then head to the beach! It was usually sunny by the afternoons and we would walk to the bay to play. Bronson didn’t mind getting in the cold water and his cousins made sand castle marble runs.

After the beach the husbands would be done with work and we would get dinner ready, then kids were off to bed. After all of them were down we would play games and chat. It’s just this season of life and I dig it.

We did do a few things besides the beach, for example we went on a hike to this narrow slot canyon. I could feel Blakely running along side us and even holding my hand. It was difficult in a way because, I know she would have loved the beach and hanging out with her cousins. We also went to Balboa park, and Belmont park. All in all, it was a great time. There family has very similar rules as ours so it works out.

The ride home was a little more difficult. Bronson didn’t really want to sleep and cried a few times. Coming home was probably the hardest part. Being reminded of Blakely and how we lost her. I had a rough grief wave the next day and called my dad. He is always really good and helping back on my rock.

We miss you Blakely Rose. I am sure you are doing really important things right now. But mommies heart hurts for you. Love you forever.

It’s mainly about getting through the day.

I am not going to lie, it’s been excruciatingly hard. I still find myself crying everyday and telling Blakely how sorry I am, and that I didn’t know she was in danger. There are times that I feel like I have more of a handle on things. I call it “my rock” meaning, I have a good perspective and feel confident about the future. Than a grief wave hits and I get washed off my rock and it takes me a while to scrap myself off the ground and get back on.

We went to Mardi Gras with Kevin, Melora and Haven. It was fun but I don’t think I want to do it again. The last time we went was with Blakely and it didn’t seem worth it the second time around.

Ben lost his job a few months ago so life has been extra hard. He is a very smart and capable man so I have full confidence in him to provide for our family. We are also good savers so, that helps that we are not super stressed about money.

To make matters worse, on Bens birthday (coming back from the Temple) I got into a car accident. A guy turned left at a light in front of me and I didn’t have enough time to stop. I T-boned his car really hard, but the crazy thing is, he just drove away. I think he must have been under the influence because when I honked the horn he didn’t react. Bronson was in the back seat and I was really shaken up. I was hoping to have a silver lining and get the car totaled so we could buy a mini van but… the insurance didn’t total it.

We had some visitors in town for the Eclipse in April. It was really neat. We all went out to the Van Styns property and watched it. There were 4 other families and 12 missionaries. It was incredible sight. We had Joanna, Uncle Dale, and Aunt Sharon with us.

After the Eclipse, we all went down to San Antonio and did some touristy stuff. We took a boat ride on the river walk and I kept thinking how much Blakely would have loved doing something like that. I don’t think she had ever gotten on a boat. We went under a bridge that had pink lights and I could hear her say, “Look mom! it’s all pink!”

Since we had visitors, life has gone back to normal. Bronson is a fun little guy. Really smart and persistent. Boys are different. He likes to eat dirt. I don’t think Blakely ever put dirt in her mouth. He is also a big kid. It’s crazy to think he is 15 months now. He is saying a few words, loves to eat, and sleeps pretty well.

We are hoping to have another child, so I need to stop breast feeding. Bronson doesn’t love that idea so we are taking it slow. We are doing some sleep training (especially because all of our trips coming up this summer) so first the sleep training, than fully taking him off nursing.

We got a few letters from Blakely’s recipients. It’s all bitter sweet. Not sure what else I can say. It’s nice to hear from these people, but also a harsh reality check of what happened. I try not to get down on myself… I feel like I should have known or felt something. I keep telling myself it wasn’t a long time (10 minutes or so) and I had been by her side (literally) all day. I just have to remember that God is in charge and he knew that would happen even before she was born. There has to be a bigger plan in all this. At least that is what I feel when I am on my rock.

Something fun (Jen thought of it) we painted some rocks dedicated to Blakely and hid them at the zoo. So every time we go there, we look for the rocks and remember how much Blakely loved going to the zoo.

What ever you are doing right now Blakely, know that we miss you dearly. Mommies heart still really hurts. Know that we love you and that we will be together again someday. Hopefully soon.

This is going to be a hard post to write.

I don’t want to go into much detail but Blakely has passed on to the next life.

It was sudden, unexpected and unspeakably heartbreaking. We will miss our little bug every minute of every day. It’s hard to know how to move forward in life with such a devastating loss.

My friend Jen stayed up here a whole month and helped with my grieving. Ben took charge of hospital, funeral arrangements, Blakely’s celebration of life at the church, lawyer, CPS, and many other things to keep life moving. My dad and Jason were here most of the time, and other family members came into town for the celebration.

I know there are many people out there still praying for us. We need those prayers. I have been keeping a low profile around Waco. Not wanting to do much. Bronson is a happy little baby and what gets me up in the morning. I have been deep diving into doctrine surrounding resurrection and the second coming of Jesus which has brought peace. I have friends and family supporting us. All that said, it is still extremely difficult. I yearn for the day that we reunite with our daughter.

Christmas was quiet. I honestly just wanted the day to be over.

We went to Mardi Gras with Kevin and Melora. It was bitter sweet. Haven their daughter was there and I kept seeing what life would have been if Blakely was thee. They would be laughing, giggling, and finally able to play with each other. 2 years ago they were alittle too young to know how to play.

Blakely’s birthday just passed. Jen came up and we painted rocks and hid them at the zoo that Blakely liked to go too. Then we had people over for dinner and cake. We watched videos of Blakely and talked about her. It was good. I kept it together until I read a YW letter. She said “I know if I lost a child the world would loose me” and I just sobbed.

There have been a lot of tender mercies surrounding this event that have been written in journals.

So what is next? Surviving…

I am not sure what the future will hold. I want to give myself a year to feel all the feels. But after that I am not sure. Will we move? Will we be pregnant again? Will we be in a better place emotionally? Who knows. All this to say, these have been the darkest days, weeks, months of my life.

Blakely and I were knit together. When she died, it felt like I died. We were together all the time, she was by my side. I feel her around and pray to see her with my mortal eyes. I would give anything just to be with her again.

Till we meet again my little bug.

This was the last picture we got of Blakely before she passed. She was a great older sister to Bronson. I know he can still see her around the house. They love each other and will be good friends someday.