This is going to be a hard post to write.
I don’t want to go into much detail but Blakely has passed on to the next life.
It was sudden, unexpected and unspeakably heartbreaking. We will miss our little bug every minute of every day. It’s hard to know how to move forward in life with such a devastating loss.
My friend Jen stayed up here a whole month and helped with my grieving. Ben took charge of hospital, funeral arrangements, Blakely’s celebration of life at the church, lawyer, CPS, and many other things to keep life moving. My dad and Jason were here most of the time, and other family members came into town for the celebration.
I know there are many people out there still praying for us. We need those prayers. I have been keeping a low profile around Waco. Not wanting to do much. Bronson is a happy little baby and what gets me up in the morning. I have been deep diving into doctrine surrounding resurrection and the second coming of Jesus which has brought peace. I have friends and family supporting us. All that said, it is still extremely difficult. I yearn for the day that we reunite with our daughter.
Christmas was quiet. I honestly just wanted the day to be over.
We went to Mardi Gras with Kevin and Melora. It was bitter sweet. Haven their daughter was there and I kept seeing what life would have been if Blakely was thee. They would be laughing, giggling, and finally able to play with each other. 2 years ago they were alittle too young to know how to play.
Blakely’s birthday just passed. Jen came up and we painted rocks and hid them at the zoo that Blakely liked to go too. Then we had people over for dinner and cake. We watched videos of Blakely and talked about her. It was good. I kept it together until I read a YW letter. She said “I know if I lost a child the world would loose me” and I just sobbed.
There have been a lot of tender mercies surrounding this event that have been written in journals.
So what is next? Surviving…
I am not sure what the future will hold. I want to give myself a year to feel all the feels. But after that I am not sure. Will we move? Will we be pregnant again? Will we be in a better place emotionally? Who knows. All this to say, these have been the darkest days, weeks, months of my life.
Blakely and I were knit together. When she died, it felt like I died. We were together all the time, she was by my side. I feel her around and pray to see her with my mortal eyes. I would give anything just to be with her again.
Till we meet again my little bug.
This was the last picture we got of Blakely before she passed. She was a great older sister to Bronson. I know he can still see her around the house. They love each other and will be good friends someday.
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